An Open Letter to the Fastest Jogger in the Park

“Dear Fastest Sir,

I am writing to you on this fine day not just out of admiration for your athletic prowess, as so many others no doubt already have, but also to express my solidarity with your cause. I know that great men of your ilk are often beleaguered by isolation; your life has transcended the paltry understanding of the masses, and you must feel very alone. But I reach out to you today to inform you that your greatness is not lost on me…”

For best effect, read the original letter in its entirety, it’s like this quote but even funnier.

This open letter made me laugh a little for the reason it was supposed to – as in, oh, those runners, they just think they’re all that. Too fast to bother going out of their way to pass someone politely.

But mostly I laughed because I was on the wrong side of this letter. I am the fastest jogger in the park, and… I really don’t feel like getting out of people’s way most of the time.

“Kicking up a trail of dirt and pebbles, you weaved and dodged through the crowded walking path like Hermes in Raybans… ‘On your left!’ you yelled to some sauntering herd as you careened around the walking path’s gentle bend, but the family of ignoramuses couldn’t make even the simplest of inductions, so rather than stepping collectively to the right and letting you pass unobstructed, they turned toward you like dumbfounded animals, only to scatter clumsily as you exploded past, forcing you to practically hurdle two elderly women trying to feed some ducks. “

Being on a college team has affirmed my identity as a runner to the point where I’m like,You know what? I’m proud of my accomplishments. This is who I am. I am a real athlete so it’s not lame for me to live and breathe running.I’m happy I get to run. I think it’s a cool activity. So I post stuff like this on Facebook –


(parody of this)

My picture got a few “likes” and cheerful comments, as well as I’m sure some judgment from others who think running is lot less of an important life pursuit than I do.

“Though their mother gestured indignantly at your fast-vanishing shadow, you should not be distressed. There are many who do not understand the nature of your work, but you must not feel obligated to dignify their sniveling ignorance with your attention, least of all for those who cannot recognize the precise, deliberate manner in which you stampede between their infant children.”

So, short story, I think being a runner is awesome, want to take it to the next level, view it as a worthy calling and even sort of a divine mission, and I realized after reading the Open Letter to the Fastest Jogger how stupid all of that can be. As great as I still think it is, I see how humorous it also is.

“I like to believe that, when you reach your full velocity, you are transported to a zen state of ancient, primal satisfaction; unconcerned by the petty misunderstandings of the surrounding world, you are like a wild horse running at full gallop down the halls of a retirement home, blissfully indifferent to the decrepit minds that can’t even decide if the wonderful creature bearing thunderously down on them is a horse, or a steam-engine…

I will dedicate my life to singing your deeds.
Sprint on, my friend!
With admiration,
Eric Torres”


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